Compelling Soccer

Yesterday, I laid out my thought process in choosing a team. But while my situation maybe informative, it's not nearly as nice as a guide, clearly laying out your options.

Today, I'm happy to provide a nice handy breakdown with the pros and cons of any choice you make when selecting your team. There's no such thing as a perfect choice after all. But with this you can make the selection which works best for you.


Joining The Big Dogs: Picking the team that's winning.

Rationale: Everyone loves a winner.

Irrationale: Who would resent me? The more the merrier!

Fan Reaction: "Oh great another one. Bet he can't name four players off this team."

Integrity: None. Have you no shame sir? You earned nothing, nothing!

Jersey Purchase: Essential. Name player is also required. Positive points if you choose an obscure jersey for odd reasons.

Best Outcome: The team keeps winning for years to come. They stay on top so long that you stick around long enough people stop caring that you joined up 10 years ago because they won. This especially helps if you've taken the 10 years to learn four players off the team. Really though, you're just setting it up for your kids. They can claim they were fans for life and how their mom/dad always cared about the team. Plus, their innocence will prevent them from questioning your integrity for at least 10 years.

Worst Outcome: Team falls off and you bolt with them. Your remaining credibility is shot and all your affiliations will be questioned from here on out. I mean every one. Your friends will secretly joke you're only with your girlfriend until someone "better" comes around. Of course it's insecurity because they know you'll ditch them if given the opportunity to hang out with someone cooler. Think I'm going overboard? Remember when Lebron loved Bassy Telfair? Now he's all about Steph Curry. If I was you Steph, I'd start looking for someone a little more reliable.

Likely Outcome: Unless you're an idiot front runner who literally just took the last team that won, you'll probably get the medium. Top teams like Man U, Arsenal or stateside, the Yankees, tend to be stay on top for a while. Invariably, there will be lean years though. How you react will determine your worth as a human being.

Bottom Feeding: Picking a team that won't be mistaken for a championship team... they barely pass for a "team" as is.

Rationale: A true sports fan knows championships are meaningless without the struggle along the way.

Irrationale: Are you a masochist? Who would willingly submit themselves to torture?

Fan Reaction: "Buddy, have you seen us lately? We couldn't beat an MLS team. Whatever man, it's your funeral."

Integrity: High. You support the little guy. I hope that fact keeps you warm inside when your team's striking inability to convert simple passes leave their fans' hopes in the cold.

Jersey Purchase: Impressive but not necessary. When your team is at the bottom of the table with a -20 goal differential, ad-missal of team love is more than enough. Note, a jersey can be an investment. Nothing proves your true colors more when the team wins a championship than wearing the jersey of a player who was on the squad when they were a laughingstock.

Best Outcome: The team has a sudden reversal of fortune in the short term. They get decent early on, and then within a few years are battling the top squads in some epic battles. Everyone is happy and you can honestly say you got there before the getting was good.

Worst Outcome: Relegation. In American sports, championships are in theory possible for everyone. Yes, even the Lions could win the Super Bowl this year. It might be a .001 chance, but it exists. If your team gets relegated then you can say goodbye to a Premiership trophy for at least a year, since they won't be IN the Premiership. Oh well, there still are the Carling and FA Cups.

Likely Outcome: Depends how much dumpster diving you want to do. Any newly promoted team is going to have a difficult time staying up but it might be preferable than a team that has it's ship sinking. If you choose any bottom of the table team you have some risk, but it is only three that go down. Let's put it this way, your chances of losing on this deal are greater, but if you stick with them, you'll at least be able to look yourself in the mirror. And hey, they could always win the Championship the next year and go back up.


Middling It Up: Selecting a team between the extremes

Rationale: I won't suffer through relegation or people calling me a front runner.

Irrationale: You want a team that isn't at the top or the bottom. Great. That only gives you about 15 to choose from.

Fan Reaction: "What did you pick us out of a hat or something?" (NO! I just really wanted to visit London one day, apparently)

Integrity: Safe. Fulham, Tottenham, Villa. It's hard to make a judgment based on choosing one of those three.

Jersey Purchase: Probably necessary, if for nothing else so you can remember what team you've selected when you've forgotten about them as they play mid table soccer every year. Unless they beat Liverpool to start the season. Then you can remember them again.

Best Outcome: The team gets into the top group. You didn't suffer through disasters, but you didn't take the easy way out either. No one will look at you strangely and hopefully by the time they have climbed to the top of the table, you've got an affinity for them.

Worst Outcome: The team falls apart and within three years is relegated. It's happened to good teams. Just ask Leeds and Leicester City.

Likely Outcome: Cracking the top group of the Premiership is no easy business, so you're likely to end up just hoping for a bid to Europe through UEFA leagues, which can be fun. There are always the success stories, Fulham for example, or if you get lucky and your team gets bought by a spender, like Man City, but mostly your joy will come from spoiling the seasons against Man U, Arsenal, Liverpool and Chelsea. Oh and the derby matches. If you get up for nothing else, get up for those.


Picking the Player: No man is an island

Rationale: I want this guy to do well. Why shouldn't I want his team to do well too?

Irrationale: One man does not make a team, but it does my rooting interest?

Fan Reaction: "What happens when he gets sold?" Also possible: "That guy sucks." If you hear that, you are making a mistake! Pull out, pull out!

Integrity: Moderate; your loyalty to the player is unwavering but there's no "I" in team. Though as one cult of a player may tell you, there is one in "wIn".

Jersey Purchase: Absolutely necessary. You're following the team for the guy, how can you not get the jersey? Also, it's generally a bad sign if you can't get the jersey of the player anywhere.

Best Outcome: The player does exceptional and the team follows suit. You're happy because your player had success. The fans are pleased because their team won. Your good memories create a euphoric sensation that bind the team to you for all time.

Worst Outcome: The player stinks and gets into it with the team. For example, if you became a Liverpool fan because Robbie Keane transferred there. Or for a non soccer fan, any team Allen Iverson signs with/is traded to nowadays. Now you're out a jersey and have to try to latch onto another bandwagon. And jumping bandwagons becomes tougher with each hop.

Likely Outcome: No one plays forever. Inevitably, the player will leave the team. In this day and age, it will be sooner rather than later. If you are doing it based solely on player love, odds are you're not getting anywhere with this one unless you identify another reason to like the team, and fast.

Note: Picking a great player possibly runs the risk of front running. Think how many Michael Jordan "fans" there are. Now think how annoying they are. Do you really want to be that guy? This is only safe if the player is below super star level or there is a legit attachment to said player.



Following the Crowd: Your friends are fans, so you are too.

Rationale: Everyone else is doing it? I'll have more fun if I fit in.

Irrationale: As your mother always said, "If your friends all went and jumped off a bridge, would you do it too?"

Answer: "I don't know. I'd have to ask the guys first."

Fan Reaction: Irrelevant. You only care what your friends think anyway.

Integrity: Sketchy. Your loyalty is not to the team. On the other hand, don't you need to have a will of your own to be considered skeevy?

Jersey Purchase: Possibly necessary. A T-shirt may suffice, but you'll need something to wear for the weekly viewing parties. Note, you could try to assert yourself as the alpha dog by going with a full Kit, but that may set you up for responsibility you aren't ready to handle.

Best Outcome: Win or lose, time spent with your friends is always well spent because they're awesome. They wouldn't be your friends otherwise, right? Hopefully that spills over into love of the team as well.

Worst Outcome: You wake up, realize you're 45, your friends are idiots and you don't really like the sport you're watching.

Likely Outcome: A relatively safe option because the group lessens the burden on any one man, but the fulfillment over the team is much less. You're there for your friends and any connection you have is to them, not to the players or the team. You only care because they do. It isn't terrible, but it isn't exactly fulfilling either.

Also, get some self esteem and make a decision on your own.



Video Gaming: You pick the team you use most in FIFA. (or PES, for those who are stuck in 2006)

Rationale: I root for them when I'm controlling them. It's pretty easy to root for them in real life too.

Irrationale: You're rooting for yourself when you play FIFA, idiot. Oh and the electronic men? They're not real.

Fan Reaction: Confused. Anyone over 50 will ask "What's an XBox?"

Integrity: In real life fine. In the video game? Depends how much you exploit AI stupidity.

Jersey Purchase: Not necessary. You're encyclopedic knowledge of the skill of the fifth string defender's right foot rating on set pieces in the rain will be enough to fend off all attacks.

Best Outcome: The team mirrors your success in video games and win the league. Ideally, they'll do exactly as you did in game, thus making you feel like a real genius for drawing up the plays the actual manager did.

Worst Outcome: The actual team sucks and the only reason you win in FIFA is because you sold all the actual players and bought, you know, good ones. Then you start mistaking real life and video games, leading to confusion and an inability to have conversations with fans who don't play FIFA.

Likely Outcome: As long as you don't go front runner and take a team like Manchester United or Arsenal out, this choice is likely to lead to a more healthy relationship. Your reasons are legitimate and somewhat personal. Of course, you're screwed when you get the next year's version and find someone even more fun to play with. Or if the players that made that team fun all end up elsewhere after the season. Or if you become increasingly frustrated with your in- game "genius" and hate the team for not being able to buy a player 69 rated player with 99 speed for 3 million and exploit the game's inability to cope with pace.

Also you'll have to get over the stigma of saying you like them because you used them in a video game. Not as weird to say now though as it was 10 years ago.




Significant Other: You roll with whatever your husband/wife likes.

Rationale: Couples do things together right? Why wouldn't you root for your teams together too?

Irrationale: How cute. Are you guys going to start wearing matching outfits too?

Jersey Purchase: Guys: Necessary. Plus ten if it's not the best player on the team. Minus ten if it's only because your wife thinks the player is hot.

Gals: Unnecessary, but bonus points gained for one. Plus ten if it's not a pink jersey. Plus ten if it's not because you think the player is hot.

Fan Reaction: "Welcome aboard." Unless it's a top tier team, then there will be some behind the back talk.

Integrity: High in most cases. You're just bonding.

Best Outcome: It becomes a great bonding activity, win or lose. The tradition is passed on to the children, providing them with a rich background and solid footing for their own fandoms.

Worst Outcome: Divorce. If you meet another sports fan and get asked how you started rooting for the team you like, well, have fun with that conversation.

Likely Outcome: It's a relatively benign choice and overall is as good a reason as any for selecting a team. Just be careful not to dive in too quick, especially if the team is successful. You come off rather phony if you start acting like you were a fan for life when they won, when three years ago you couldn't pick any of their players out of a lineup.


Random Reason: A really odd, seemingly dumb idea for liking a team, like say favorite color.

Rationale: Color, player, geography? Who cares? Is any one reason really better than the others?

Irrationale: Yes, yes yes and yes. Picking a team based on color or nickname is stupid. Even logo is pushing it. What are you, 6?

Fan Reaction: "Oh... really? Well... that's um... nice."

Jersey Purchase: If you like the color or the logo, one would assume you'd get it. Any other reason probably not.

Integrity: N/A. Really. If you pick a team based on their name, standards aren't a concern.

Best Outcome: None. You're beyond hope anyway.

Worst Outcome: The team changes whatever it is you had to like them in the first place. Like for example, if you became an Islanders fan because of their NY logo and they changed to their infamous "Gordon's Fisherman" logo.

Likely Outcome: Unless you do some serious research and learn about the team, players and history, no one is going to take you seriously. Because really, is a team that has red in their unis THAT hard to find?